What if......I had never been a pastor's wife?

I would have missed some of the best years of my life.

Being a pastor's wife is a huge part of my journey and it started back in 1977 after my husband completed Bible school. We pioneered a church in a small town in Michigan, which is still an existing church today.

But I found myself in a role I knew nothing about. I was not raised in church, I worked so my husband could go through Bible school.

Side note: I worked 6:00 am - 2:00 pm and he went to school in the morning and then he worked from 1:00 pm - until 7:00 or 8:00 pm. But he would come home every night and share his classes with me. I read his books and always felt very much a part of his attending school. Great husband. Great teacher.

Back to this pastor's wife thing.... I embraced a philosophy that I think may have kept me sane throughout my years as a pastor's wife. Right or wrong - it worked for me.

I thought this way...

I will not adopt the title of "Pastor's Wife" in my heart or mind. Others can call me that - I get that....I am that.

Why did I not adopt this title?

Because then I would not get caught up in "what is one?" "what is "expected"? and then I would not fall into the trap of doing something out of duty or trying to do what is "expected" of me.

Instead I told myself...

I will just be a woman who is a Christian and act that way. I love to serve people, so I will serve people in the areas I enjoy in the church.

My children will not be called "PK" kids in our home... that way, they will not fall into a trap of "what is that?" what is "expected"? and are there special rules or special treatment for these "special"children raised in a pastor's home?

There are no special rules. They are children just like yours. There should be no special treatment. Our life may be a little "different" from others, but we don't live by another set of rules. We are honored to be in the ministry, but we don't need to act like we have it better than anyone or worse than anyone.

My husband's complaint with the "PK" label was not so much how we approached it in our home, but how people outside our home approached it. He felt sometimes the "bigger" problem was how they treated it. Why should the "PK" be treated differently or have any different expectations than anyone else's kid?

So.. I embraced... we will be a Christian family who has a husband and dad who is a pastor.

Don't really care about the term "living in a fish bowl"... or "glass house"...we are Christians - don't we all live that way? Aren't we all to be living epistles - His Word written in our hearts - "known and read of all men?"

My greatest joy as a Christian woman whose husband was a pastor was watching people grow in the Lord. I loved to encourage, love them, and watch them develop in their own relationship with Jesus. I probably did overwork myself - yes, I did while I was finding what worked for me -

In fact all churches should be reminded that if you hire a pastor - you don't automatically get the "Two for One Special" where you expect his wife to do a "stupid crazy" bunch of things in the church with no regard to any compensation or appreciation. If you are a pastor's wife doing this - go on strike.

But I have no regrets. My experience ran full circle - at times it was the most rewarding and refreshing time - and at other times - true heartbreak. I hurt when they hurt, I grieved when they grieved...it was hard to find the balance of being strong without being cold - caring without being careless - and loving people enough to be honest with them even when not convenient.

Now I did fall into the trap of always having a poised smile, always sat a certain way in the front row and no matter what my husband preached on - kept the same look -

Well, that kinda went out the door after a few years - just not me. Not good at acting - though I was very good at it for a while - too exhausting though.

I know many wonderful pastor's wives.

I salute you...

I truly respect and honor you.

A few of you are on my "hero" list....

I have a concern for the present church and its young women who are beginning in ministry. They are looking for role models. They are trying to find out their place - what is "expected"... slippery road, my friend.

Be careful who you choose to follow. Keep it simple. Love your family and be a Christian - let Jesus shine through your personality. Just know, the ministry as a pastor's wife will not always be fair, will hurt at times, will almost break you at times (at least if you love people - it will) - but can also be some of the best years of your life.

Take good care of your home and children - no one will watch out for that as good as you will. I was guilty of neglecting that at times.

But I have seen a breed of pastor's wife that this old gal here just wants to say a few - very few words about - well just ONE word -

Here is a true story:

I was speaking at a workshop a several years ago and it was a great time with secretaries and administrative people. We talked about ways to be organized to help your pastor and be the most effective in areas that will help things run smoother. We covered all sorts of areas. Because I enjoy team atmospheres and promoting healthy work environments, we laughed and learned together. Great time.

I ended the session, gathered by belongings and was walking down the hallway to head to my car.

A woman approached me in the hall and asked if she could ask a question? She sort of looked around to make sure no one else was in the area. I remembered her from the workshop.

Sharp lady, well-educated - had worked in executive positions in companies and now in her later years had been hired at a church as an administrator.

She said, "Barb, I want to thank you for today. I enjoyed the session and learned a lot of how to be of help to my pastor. My pastor is a great person, easy to work with, I can share with him and be honest, he is a good leader - and the staff team work well with him.

Barb, I "get" working with him - but how do you handle the wife?"

I could tell by the look on her face that she needed my question.

I said...

"Oh, oh...is she a DIVA?"

It was silent

We stared at each other...

Her face went from horror to a huge smile, and then a huge laugh in a matter of 3 seconds...and then she said..

"Oh my God.... she is.."